The Battle of Marathon, OH SHI-

^That's actually how I titled it in my notes, too.

So when we last left our Greeks, the Ionian city-states had just gotten their shit wrecked by the Persians while the mainland Greeks sat back hiding under their blankies. Dareios in 491 decided it was high time those mainland pussies got theirs, too. So he sent some messengers to the major cities, such as Athens and Sparta, to demand them pay homage to him in the form of earth and water. (Well played, Frank Miller.) Most of the Greeks (Athens and Sparta, most notably) finally grew some balls and were like "NO U," and executed the poor messengers who were simply doing their job (those messengers had families to feed, you animals!). And yes, Sparta really did throw the messengers in a well. No idea if "THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" was shouted though. Probably not because they, you know, spoke Greek.

But I digress.

So King Dareios was like, "Oh you fuckers." He gathered up an army of about 25,000 soldiers and put them under the command of his nephew Datis and his son-in-law Artaphernes. Tweedledee and tweedledum take their army to try to establish a bridgehead on Greek's eastern coast. They also got naval help from the Ionian Greeks, who knew better than to fuck with the Persians again. Datis and Artaphernes took their dudes over to Euboia, where the Eretrians, who had helped their Ionic kinsmen, lived. At this point the Eretrians were probably thinking, "Oh shit, we're are so fucked." And they would be correct. Although they were able to resist the Persians for nearly 7 days, not everyone was against the Persians. In fact, on the 7th day of fighting, Persian sympathizers opened the gates of the city for the Persians. Seriously. Needless to say, the Eretrians got their asses handed to them, especially after getting involved in the Ionian revolts. Most of the citizens were enslaved while the city itself was burned down. That's why you didn't fuck with Dareios, bitches.

Feeling pretty damn good about themselves, the Persians split up, Artaphernes staying behind in whatever's left of Eretria, and Datis taking Hippias, a tyrant they wanted to restore to power in Athens, and less than 20,000 me toward Athens. Hippias, thinking he would have some sympathizers in Marathon, told them to land there. Of course, the Athenians figured the Persians would pull this shit after Eretria's battle. So the Athenian army of about 9000, plus about 600 from the nearby town of Plataia, gathered on high ground to decide how to make their move. They also figured, "Hey, let's get some help from those kooky Spartans." Sparta agreed to help, but were in the middle of a religious festival and couldn't send anyone until the next full moon. Thanks, Sparta!

After a few days of arguing amongst themselves about what to do, the Athenians decide to go on the offensive, maybe because the Persian disposition was shifting. The Persians were like, "Oh, what the shit?" as the Greeks suddenly start attacking after not doing anything for several days. Or maybe the Greek strategy was to confuse the hell out of the Persians by sitting there staring at them from a mile away doing jack shit. Regardless, the wings of the Greek assault were able to push the Persians back across the plains, while the middle, well, not so much. Because the sides were getting closed in, the Persians realized that the Greeks could easily surround them and totally wreck their shit. They had to choice but to retreat back to their camp, getting chopped up by Greeks on their way.

All in all, the Persians finally got theirs. They lost 6,400 in comparison to only 192 on the Athenian side. Datis was forced to report his Blake Lewis-level of failure to Dareios, who probably handed him his ass in a handbasket.

Meanwhile, back at Marathon, the Spartans finally arrive. WAY TO GO, SPARTA! They are impressed with their fellow Greeks and praise their victory, the first a Greek force has seen against a Persian army. Then the Spartans probably went back to their festival.

The score was now tied, 1-1.